Home with More Questions

Ever since I returned from my two month retreat, sabbatical, escape in Nosara, Costa Rica, I have been engaged in an inward battle to balance the elements of my life. It almost seems like a dream, another time and place those two months of solitude, of simplicity and wonder. Coming home, all of the patterns and habits of daily life here on the Outer Banks of North Carolina continue on like they’ve never stopped- almost as if my old habits and patterns conspired to faithfully carry on without me, reserving my place on this wheel of dysfunction so I could easily jump back on to it upon my return. Right now I am on the beach, lying on my belly, a thin blanket between me and the sand, feeling the cool dampness beneath me as the sun warms my back. What I see are rows of steely gray waves capped in white crashing continuously on the beach, the northeast breezes from hurricane Igor meeting the waves in an explosion of white spray and foam. Seagulls, their gray and white feathers almost the same colors as the sea, sit facing the wind occasionally pecking the sand for something to eat. There are people, walking, mostly clothed, but not many. I can feel the end of summer. It is one of the most beautiful times of the year here, but at the same time I take in this beauty surrounding me, I am acutely aware of the emptiness I feel. I left here to take time to answer questions I was asking myself and now I find myself, back here at home asking the same questions and them some! I started reading a book called, "War is a Force That Gives Us Meaning" by Chris Hedges. He is a war correspondent writing about his experiences covering wars throughout the world for the last decade. In his introduction he writes, “The enduring attraction of war is this: Even with its destruction and carnage it can give us what we long for in life. It can give us purpose, meaning and a reason for living. Only when we are in the midst of conflict does the shallowness and vapidness of our lives become apparent.” When I read these words I immediately related them to the chaos of the past several years of my life as I was desperately fighting to put my marriage back together after my husband’s affair. Although peace has been in my house for almost three years and my husband has done everything in his power to make things right, I feel a void. The passionate fight for what I wanted, for what I believed in is over, but I remember the feelings invoked when I was faced with the possibility of losing everything I built my life upon- they were intense, painful, and bewildering but at the same time exciting, powerful, dramatic and urgent. This "fight" gave my life a purpose at the time, it gave it meaning. Looking back I can see why so many are addicted to “drama”. It’s a perfect diversion from the emptiness of our lives. So I question myself. Am I clinging to the past in order to escape the triviality of my life today? What is my purpose, my reason for living? Obviously these questions were not answered in the tropical paradise of Nosara.