My Table is Made of Questions

I have a confession to make. I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. There are things that I do; I perform, play, write and record music, I write words for publications and pleasure. I have intentions to write a book and would like to see that happen this year. I also have an intention to relocate somewhere, but at this time, I don't know where that is. My strategy thus far is to find the place where I am my most authentic self. Where I feel the best...energized, engaged, alive. There is a part of me that wishes I would get a call that says, "Laura, we want you to tour for the next six months... or the most amazing work is waiting for you in..." You know, that call that lays out your life plan, the job offer that takes all questions off the table.

My table is made of questions. How am I going to support myself? Where do I want to live? What is the best use of my talent and energy? How do I stay grounded in the midst of all these questions? 

It has been helpful visualizing my actions and intentions as a prayer going out into the world with a definite inevitable "reaction," hopefully one that relates to my actions and intentions. It takes a lot of trust and going with the flow...sometimes not an easy feat for my super active mind. 

I am in the process of exploring the possibility of acquiring a home here. I am partnering with one of my dearest friends to share the house, a three bedroom one story home with a beautiful pool and spacious outdoor living area, ten minute walk to the beach...I timed it today.

Perhaps with a deeper commitment to this community, a very tangible investment, deeper opportunities will present. I don't expect all my questions to be answered after being here only three weeks. I have to put my time in and trust that I will be able to meet a need here.

What I do know that since initiating this journey to settle a bit deeper, an opening has occurred.

I feel like the clear water that has been moving back and forth between the sea and shore through a rock bed of canyons that has existed before time.

The Language of Smiles and Eyes and Laughter

Today began like most, with coffee and conversation on the little deck outside our kitchen door. We perused the property we are staying on for the perfect furniture to make our little covered corner a perfect sanctuary and found a few dusty leather and wooden handmade rocking chairs two small foot stools and a round cast iron table. I always travel with table cloths, extra linens and sarongs to drape over everything and after cleaning the furniture and covering the chairs with soft bright sarongs and the table with a happy green printed cloth our cozy corner was complete. Our dog, Deva, sits on a cushion on the ground between our rockers surveying the grounds for errant squirrels and pozotes, which look like a cross between an anteater and a raccoon, but are vicious with a big sharp hooked claw on the end of their feet. I have to be careful and make sure Deva doesn't chase down the wildlife. He's only 7lbs but he thinks he's all man.

Today we had every intention of going to yoga together, but ended up walking the beach, coming home and making love then hopping on the quad to run a few errands before coming back and going back to the beach. The tide was out and the tide pools were full of crystal clear water that reached my chin in some places while standing on my toes. The pools between the rocks are narrow and the bottom is soft sand. Today I could follow the channels between the rocks almost all the way to the mouth of the sea. I soaked for hours and played with three young girls who clung to me with complete trust sharing with me their beautiful smiles and happy brown eyes as I played with them in the water. We sang songs and floated together and when big sister Luna came to take them back to shore we had a group hug. Suspended in these prehistoric pools today I had the realization that this is indeed one of my most favorite places in the world; in that water, between those rocks, on that beach, under that sky.

Its strange to think that I'm feeling like I haven't found a rhythm here yet. I'm finding how different it is to be here with a partner and as lovely as that can be, I also have all these "ways" of being and doing here when I'm alone, which has been my experience here. So, I'm dropping the past...at least trying to. While I'm at it, can I drop my expectations too? Expectations about how much yoga I should be doing, how much time I should spend writing, playing music...why do I do that to myself?

I have no idea how things are going to unfold here  I own nothing, I have no commitments to anything except playing music here in the jungle twice a week for the next month and a tentative hold on a hilltop casa until April. To release any anxiety that arises when my mind starts asking, "what are you doing with your life?" I started thinking about everything that I am doing as a prayer.

"Hear me, I am offering my song here and my heart with the utmost trust that this is where I should be. As I move through my days here, guide me, show me where I can be of service... show me the way. Thank you."

I'm pretty sure today that meant holding the sweetest brown bodied girls in a crystal clear tide pool where the language of smiles and eyes and laughter prevailed.