Control, Turning In and Rebel

My friend Jane has been craving Coq Au Vin so we made the trek into town on a mission to find chicken. Nosara proper is about eight miles away from the beach, but it takes almost thirty minutes to get there because of the road conditions. The main form of transportation seems to be motor bike and it's not unusual to see a family of four including little children, sometimes babies, crowded onto one as they navigate the treacherous terrain. Jane has an SUV that complains audibly as we dip in and out of craters and enormous puddles. Life expectancy for vehicles here is short.

The Super Nosara is a huge store that is housed in what looks like a gigantic tin shed with concrete brick walls. It has every single thing you could want and at the best prices. It's dimly lit and laid out in no particular order with nary a sign telling you where anything is so I wander down each and every isle like its a new discovery and it is.

Everything has to be improvised in a jungle kitchen. Invariably you are not going to have the perfect pan, the required spices or the correct oven temperature. I eventually figured it all out and before long savory aromas were wafting from the cocina. While we waited Jane brought out some Tarot cards and after shuffling, cutting and concentrating on picking the perfect cards I drew three that were supposed to signify my past, present and future. I picked Control, Turning In and Rebel.

I was happy to see that control was in my past! I know there is a time and place for control, but to strive for an ordered and perfect life leaves no room for spontaneity and more importantly to me, vulnerability. I learned to let go of control the hard way and maybe the way most of us do, by having something happen to us in our lives that we did not plan and had no control over. When you hold on so tight to your beliefs, or people, or things, its so difficult and painful when change occurs.

When I checked on our dinner after almost two hours, things were not moving as planned! The vegetables were still hard and the chicken was tight on the bone. I realized that the shallow aluminum pan that we were using was not working, so I pulled the entire dish out of the oven, juices spilling everywhere, making a huge mess on the floor and in the brand new oven. Determined to remain positive, a smaller pan was located, the meal divided into more manageable portions, put back in the oven, mess cleaned and disaster averted!

Back to the cards, I looked at what was to signify my present state-Turning In. Ultimately turning in, in this sense means taking a distance from the mind, just watching. Pulling this card means one is ready to do that and says that all the running and scrambling towards fulfillment and desire only creates frustration and misery. "All journeys are outward because we are already in."

I think this idea of turning in is really resonating with me here this time around. My last visit to Nosara I spent two months searching, questioning, thinking and running toward what I can now see was an escape from my life. Almost three years later I'm a lot less anxious about having everything figured out. My life is my life, a beautiful mess of family, love, music, friends, nature, knowing and not.

Looking at my future card, The Rebel, brings an immediate smile. I don't even have to read it, I just want to be it! The card says the rebel is the master of his/her own destiny, possessing the light of hard earned truths, a messenger between earth and sky, an upsetting force. One who lives their own truth.

As I bite into a delicious morsel of perfectly cooked chicken, dipping a piece of crusty bread into the pan juices, a glass of crispy white wine at the ready, I feel myself grateful and completely present at the table, that is until my mind goes back to thinking about my future self.........

Can I get a rebel yell?