Throwing in the Towel

I'm in an antihistamine haze. After a sleepless night of constant itching, tossing and turning due to an allergic reaction to something that manifested itself into a head to toe body rash,  I broke down and went to the doctor today who gave me a shot of antihistamine in one thigh and a steroid in the other. The crazy thing about this is is that Dan has the same thing. He started itching Friday night as we were playing at El Chivo and after our first set he was convinced that he was being eaten alive by sightless bugs, critters, or whatever else lurks here in the jungle. After inspecting him in the light of the next day, I determined that he did not have bites on his body but an all-over rash. It wasn't until the next morning that mine appeared.

I've been thinking a lot about how I take care of myself and the wise messages my body sends me unbidden or not. The months leading up to coming here I was recovering from a slew of maladies that started with a chest cold, moved to pneumonia then onto a positive test for mono. "Hello Laura, this is your body...WTF??"

The thing is, I don't really like to talk about this stuff. I have a few trusted souls that will actually listen to me and the stories I wouldn't generally share, and one of them is my wise teacher Al Bailey. He has a way of putting everything into perspective in a sentence or less. I was on his table not long before coming here and I meekly gave him my recent diagnosis of having the Epstein Barr virus and mono and he said, "Man...they got a name for everything."

Yes, I understand that to try and name and label everything that happens in my body is a fools game. When Al said that to me my entire body sighed, "Ah ha!" I aspire to listen and allow, but sometimes its easier said than done, especially when your face and hands are swollen beyond recognition. Still, Danny has chosen to allow and let the reaction take its course and he seems fine.

There is a part of me that is so invested in the strong woman persona that I reflect out into the world, that makes it hard to admit that I'm weak and I need help. Today I threw in the towel. The drugs made me sleepy but that is exactly what I needed. I awoke as the sun was setting and joined Dan on our tiny veranda for a cold drink and a chat before moving inside to cook some chicken and coconut rice for dinner. Sleep is calling me.

I am grateful for the wisdom all around me and for discernment. Somewhere between allowing and breath, western medicine, the sea and the sun, my healing is here.

Gratitude and Self Sufficiency

Even though I am in a country that doesn't recognize our American tradition of Thanksgiving, it seems no matter where I am or what I am doing, on Thanksgiving my gratitude practice becomes an endless mantra. All day long my focus is turned toward gratitude...thinking of all of my people, my ancestors, my surroundings... and then look, I have hands that can wash these dishes, a bed I can take a nap on, a phone to text my mama and peanut butter.

On this Thanksgiving after talking with my beautiful daughter in Europe and sharing messages with my son in Brooklyn, after holding down the home front while Dan was out in the jungle taking care of business, after playing to a beautiful crowd of people enjoying a home cooked feast at Kaya Sol where I met people from my home town...at the end of it all I was struck with an overwhelming sense of gratitude for self sufficiency.

I have watched in amazement as Dan has navigated this terrain since our arrival, identifying our needs and going after fulfilling them with a vengeance. We now have our own small sound system that will enable us to work anywhere and we can work anywhere because he also found us a used quad, a four-wheeled mode of transportation favored by locals, to get us from point A to B, all in nine days. He has hopped into cars with strangers and walked the dusty roads on his quest for these things that will hopefully bring us closer to a point of self sufficiency during our time here in the jungle.

Tonight we traveled to and from our gig riding our newly acquired vehicle, me sitting snug behind him with my arms wrapped tight around his waist my backpack on my back full of equipment and my guitar and his drums tied to the front and back racks with ropes and bungees. The way home was guided by the moon and the summer breeze cooled our faces. I leaned forward and spoke in his ear, "we can go anywhere with this."

Sinking In

As I sink into the familiar rhythms that guide, inform and inspire my daily life here, I am aware of how different it is to be returning to a place that feels so much like home to me with someone else. You see, for the past five years I have been traveling to this lush jungle village on the Guanacaste peninsula almost every year for months at a time, alone experiencing moments completely unburdened. Doing anything by yourself that is without fear and motivated by heart and passion, curiosity and love is like giving yourself a precious gift that can never be taken from you. Some of the most profound and joyous moments of my life happened here with only nature as my witness. "The joy of love is possible only if you have known the joy of being alone, because only then do you have something to share."

This time I am sharing my journey with my partner of 32 years, Dan and the newest love in my life, my fearless 8 lb. rescue dog, Deva Om. What I notice most for me is that this new experience in this most familiar place only requires one thing, more breath. Now I am not the only one to consider when making choices about the days journey...my rhythm and time need to make space for someone else's rhythm and time and the best way I know to make space for anything is to breathe.

We've fallen into a nice daily flow. Dan usually wakes before me as the howler monkey's beckon, Coffee is on when I roll out of bed and I wrap a sarong around me to join him on our little covered porch outside the kitchen door where there is a small table and two chairs. Deva sits on a cushion on the tile floor and we drink coffee quietly gazing at the endless varieties of flora and fauna surrounding us. Sometimes we each pull a few tarot cards that spark conversations about deeper things...longings, visions, questions.

This is the first time Dan has taken this much time and space for himself. I half jokingly told several friends before coming here that this trip would either make us or break us. I can already sense how important this is, for both of us.