Wave of the Day

I met a family from Charleston, NC who were having a hard time adjusting to life in Nosara. They arrived in the dark over extremely bumpy roads scared to death and after waking in the morning and checking out the village, they didn’t feel much better. “We’re spoiled”, the mom said. I wasn’t sure how to respond to that or what that really meant exactly, I mean, last night I tripped and fell into a muddy hole on the road and I haven’t had one hot shower in twenty one days, but I feel pretty spoiled myself! I made some small talk and went back to my writing. Her son approached, he looked to be about nineteen or twenty and I asked him if he went surfing today. He said, “Yeah”. I asked him smiling, “Did you get worked?” He replied, “It’s just so far to paddle out to the waves. I’m used to the east coast where the waves are right there.” He wasn’t into it. I wanted to say, “But if you paddle out, chances are you are going to ride waves much bigger and more consistent than on the east coast. The waves are good here practically every single day!” They’re just harder to get to. For me the most difficult journeys, the hardest challenges have led me to the greatest rewards. For some fear can be a big reason not to engage in a difficult challenge, and fear comes in all shapes and sizes-tangible and invisible, “It’s too hard, I might get hurt, I’m not going to make it, so-and so tells me I can’t do it, I don’t deserve it”. Maybe it’s not fear, maybe it’s apathy or indifference, “I don’t have to, I’m not going to try that, It’s much easier, less hassle doing it this way, I'm comfortable right here, It’s not worth it, It’s not going to happen anyway, I don't want to make waves, why should I?” Maybe it’s complete ignorance to any kind of challenge at all. As I sit here on the beach watching a group of people learning how to surf in the shore break- grown men way past 40 and a group of young women- I admire the tenacity of these budding surfers-the willingness to get up again and again and again after falling. I looked past them on the “outside” break and see poetry in motion, seasoned wave riders becoming one with the perfectly formed walls of water. Perhaps these learners in front of me will one day achieve what the surfers on the big waves make look so effortless. Maybe they won’t- but how will they know if they don’t try? I feel sorry for the young man pining for east coast waves. Didn’t he know how much stronger he would be after paddling out to these waves, unique to this place, every day? In my struggle to find balance in a marriage that was in crisis there were many times when I wanted to give up, to heed the advice of almost everyone close to me to “draw the line in the sand, give up and throw in the towel”. It was hard to be so vulnerable and broken hearted for so long. I’m pretty sure the easiest thing to do at that time would have been to cut and run. We had money at that time, property; a lawyer said I would probably receive alimony. I didn’t doubt my ability to find another man. But I knew the value of what I had in my relationship with Dan, our life together, our family and I was determined to ride this wave until it reached the shore. It was scary. I did not know where I was headed for along time. My reward is that I am still married to a man I’ve loved for over 26 years, my children are direct witnesses to this love, this relationship that is like real life, messy and hard, challenging and frustrating and at the same time wonderful and exciting, fun and adventurous. Talking with my friend Ali about this tonight she said every day there is a wave, some sort of challenge large or very small. She wisely added, you don’t even have to ride it if you don’t want to, just notice it and honor it. We continued talking about it and I wondered about just looking at a problem or conflict and not doing anything about it. Ali said, you have to at least get in the water and test it out and then hopefully make a wise choice whether to ride the wave or not. Now I’m going to look at the days challenges as the “wave of the day”! What’s your “wave of the day?”

Wherever You Are Looking That's Where You're Going

Yesterday after my amazing Prannassage with Francella, I took a surfing lesson with my friend Elissa, a young mother and photographer from San Francisco. We hired Luigi from Nosara Tico Surf School. I wanted to support him because he is my guitar player Bill’s brother-in-law but also, he owns his own business and is one of only a few Tico owned surf schools in Nosara. Luigi is about 5’4 with a completely lean surfer’s body from surfing and teaching surfing everyday. with beautiful brown skin and kind brown eyes. It was three in the afternoon with the sun still high in the sky moving in and out of clouds, the water clear and warm. I had taken a surfing lesson once before in Nosara, but there was something about the way Luigi taught that was quite different from my first lesson. He was a really good teacher. He had a natural ability to impart his wisdom to us, but was also very sensitive to our surroundings and to us. He talked about the tides, the wind, made drawings in the sand depicting inside waves and outside waves, told how to walk into the ocean (something I thought I knew) by shuffling our feet, not stepping directly down to avoid stepping on a stingray, told us when the best times to surf for beginners like us. After practicing in the sand and finding out where the “sweet spot” on our boards was located, we were in. Nosara is such a great place for beginner surfers because you can actually learn to surf inside the break and catch some pretty good waves. It’s great for families with varying degrees of ability and of course, for people like me with no ability whatsoever! I had to say, my daily yoga practice with all the Chataranga’s (yoga push-ups) have really paid off-I can pop right up on the board- I just can’t stay up. Two hours of practice and I stood up on a wave for maybe 15 seconds! Luigi was encouraging and let me know he would hook me up with boards for next to nothing if I just want to go out for an hour or so. He also left us with these words of surfer wisdom. “Wherever you are looking, that’s where you’re going to go”. I feel like I’m not looking in one direction right now. My frustration over housing has caused me to start considering cutting my trip short and coming home. Wantana said to me today, “You just need to accept things, there is always going to be something better, she said people always want more, more, more. This is just Costa Rica”. I don’t know, I understand the grass is always greener mentality, but I don’t think that’s me right now. I just want privacy, safety and comfort. If I can’t find that here, I’ll just come home. So today I spent the morning looking at my options, most of them not working out. There was a two bedroom condo in my price range, but when I went by to look at it, I felt uncomfortable. This was my only option so far. “Follow the signs”. I ducked out of the rain and went online and looked at my flight itinerary, which I can change by phone only. I noticed an email from D-Ray, a local musician with an apartment on his property. He wrote that it was available, but $400 over my budget. I thanked him and declined and told him why. He promptly responded and said he’d take what I had; did I want to look at it? I met him on the road and jumped in his golf cart. His home is in the hills behind the Nosara Yoga Institute and a little farther away from town, but in a safe, primarily residential area. The apartment is perfect and the property gorgeous. The apartment is one bedroom with a nice kitchen and living area, wi-fi (yeah!) and all the essentials. I have full use of the property which includes a huge pool with comfy lounge chairs, jacuzzi, outdoor kitchen all with an ocean view. Okay. I’m looking at Nosara 100% now and it feels like this is where I should be, where I am headed for the next month. I rewarded myself with another surf session, board compliments of Luigi, and got up on my first wave.

Appreciation and Empowerment

Last night before my singing gig at the Gilded Iguana I went to the Harmony Hotel to meet Elaine, the young school teacher from California, to walk with her to the Iguana. The Harmony Hotel is a beautifully renovated hotel right in the middle of Guiones Beach that looks and feels like it could be in the heart of South Beach, Miami. The single story hotel, cabinas, pool and all of the other out buildings are all nestled in lush, private gardens and trees. Tranquillo. The open air bar and restaurant is furnished with modern interpretations of Costa Rican furniture, comfy lounge and rocking chairs, long rattan couches with loads of pillows. I like to go there for a mojito or a glass of wine, take advantage of the free wi-fi and relaxing environment. While I was waiting for Elaine I ran into Lalane and her twin boys. They come back and forth between their home in the U.S. and Nosara as much as they can, last year spending the entire year here with the kids going to local schools and becoming fluent in Spanish. They were not happy about leaving. We chatted a bit and I told her how I was feeling like I was trying to get over a “hump”, transitioning from visiting here to really feeling like I am here. Lalane said, “There is a transition period of difficulties when you first get here-and then when you get over it- you become empowered here. This place empowers you. You can become another person.” This morning it was sunny with bright white clouds traveling on the breeze through crystal blue skies. I debated whether or not I should go to yoga or hit the beach to take advantage of the sunshine-my feet propelled me towards the Institute, while my mind said, “Even if you don’t feel like going, go- it’s good for you”. Arriving early I settled down on two meditation cushions and wrote in my journal. Soon Francella arrived, one of my new friends and yoga instructor. She is one of the most beautiful women I have ever met, inside and out. When it became apparent that we were going to be the only ones practicing today- a first since I arrived here-Francella said, “We will do Prannassage” and started laying down yoga mats into a big square in two layers laying my sarong on top and asking me to lie on my back. Prannassage is a creative synthesis of yoga and bodywork that increases the flow of prana or life force in the body and produces deep states of relaxation. The receiver's body is physically moved into a flow of poses that allow each position to be felt from the inside out. With my eyes closed Francella used her entire body to stretch out mine. I couldn’t tell the difference between her hands and feet and at one point I curled into a ball and rocked back into her arms and found myself completely lifted off the ground and cradled in her body. The sensation was so unique- when was the last time someone held my entire body while I relaxed, breathed and surrendered? The session ended with a chakra meditation. “This was meant to be” Francella said. We talked for a short while and I told her about Lalane’s comments and asked her if she thought Nosara was an “empowering place”. Francella said she has grown and changed so much since moving to Nosara, she talked about the people, all the yogis, nature lovers, surfers, but the number one reason she feels that Nosara is an empowering place is appreciation. She told me that in all the places she’s ever lived she has never felt more appreciated than she does here and that in turn has empowered her, enabled her to become a bi-lingual yogi, a massage/Prannassage therapist and future Pilates instructor. The appreciation from others who live here in Nosara has empowered her to say, “Yes, I can do this”. I know what she means. Not long after I arrived here someone said to me, “we are so blessed to have you here”. That brings tears to my eyes. It is such a simple statement that we all could make everyday to all of the people we interact with at work, in our families and community. What if we took a time out in our day and looked at the people around us and appreciated them for whatever they were doing? And not just appreciation for accomplishments, but for our efforts and ideas even if they never come to fruition. What a simple concept; appreciation as a means to empowerment. Yes, perhaps Nosara is a special place, a place of empowerment, but I bet my home town community can be too.

The Signs Along The Way

Last night while I was sitting on the porch having “happy hour” I realized that I wasn’t feeling too happy. I noticed an uncomfortable feeling coming over me and as I listened to Wantana talk I realized that I was not even close to being present. I was thinking that I hadn’t even begun writing yet today, I was thinking that I hadn’t picked up the guitar now in two days, and I had a goal to sit in on my friends gig Thursday and play and sing a song, I was thinking that my “space” was starting to feel smaller when I was “home”. I was beginning to realize that perhaps this is not where I should be. I am so grateful that Wantana took me in after being flooded out of my initial place of residence, but I didn’t really have a choice about coming here, it all happened so fast. I woke up late this morning and came down out of my perch to have tea and wake up. When Wantana came up with fruit and sat down, my discomfort returned so I excused myself and within ten minutes I quickly dressed for yoga and was headed out the door. On my walk to the Institute I thought about my needs- my need for quiet, my need for privacy, my need to flow through the rhythm of my day in my own way without having to consider anyone else right now. This is hard for me. I’ve never had this much time for myself before and I struggle with the feelings that this is self-indulgent, that I need to be doing something productive, something tangible. I also feel a little uncomfortable with all this time, a little antsy. I tried to quiet my mind during yoga practice and finally got into a groove, letting go, letting my mind wander, breathing, looking at the jungle and the coming rain. I thought about coming home. Come August I will have been here a whole month, surely that is enough time. I thought of all the things I could do at home, visit my grandmother, ride my bike to Ocracoke. I stopped myself. I feel pretty strong about my commitment to being here, the commitment I made to myself-for myself. I thought maybe this is a “hump” in the middle of the road, a transitional period. I need to be patient, follow my instincts and keep moving forward. So, what I absolutely do know for certain is I need a new home, my own place, with my own kitchen within walking distance to everything. This afternoon after walking around town and visiting friends and talking to people, I have several good options. I am not looking forward to breaking that news. It’s interesting because had I been a better Girl Scout before I arrived here, I would’ve taken stock of my needs, real and anticipated and used them as a basis for communicating to people managing and renting property. I was careless and so here I am week three, not entirely settled. Why is it so hard to say, “I need”? Actually, it has been getting easier for me to say, “I need”. Dan and I have been putting a lot of effort into our relationship and being able to communicate our needs to each other without fear has been one of the most important lessons learned. For me it’s about taking the time to really think about what I need- to feel, to feel deeply- what my needs are. My life is usually sailing by at such a fast pace that for me for the most part I don’t have a clue what I need on a daily basis. But I am working on it and learning to honor myself, consider my needs important, not just for my sake but for the sake of all of my relationships. I’m learning to be flexible and to make adjustments when needed-learning to follow the signs along the way.

Another Day In Paradise

I woke up to the sound of heavy rain this morning and went back to sleep and dream, finally forcing myself to get out of bed and start the day around 9:00. I made tea and sat on the porch reading my book, Three Cups of Tea, the story of Greg Mortenson, a mountain climber who has devoted his life to building schools and educating the children of rural Pakistan and Afghanistan with the idea that educating these young people, especially girls, is a more effective means to fight terrorism than war. The rain was so heavy that I was not going anywhere so I made a second cup of tea and finished the book. I had an appointment to meet Nacho at 12:30 to go fishing on the rocks of Guiones Beach at low tide. Nacho makes my pizza every Sunday night at Casa Tucan and is becoming my friend. We can´t really understand each other very well, but we laught a lot. Getting ready to venture out into the world for the day has become a bit of an ordeal for me. I am not a detail person. I am good at big picture stuff, grand ideas and the steps needed to take to realize them, but when it comes to details I prefer to collaborate with detail oriented people to make things happen and I have done this often with much success. Here I have only myself to rely on and have figured out quite quickly what it takes for me to get through a day- I have to think like a Girl Scout. I was a Girl Scout as a young girl, but I can not for the life of me think of anything useful from that experience except for making s´mores. What I do remember was being the one who stirred up all the trouble at camp and getting into fights with other Girl Scouts who messed with my little sisters- I have four of them. Oh, and there´s the cookies. Even so, I have an idea of how a good Girl Scout thinks and I also have valuable knowledge from three of my other childhood influences, Nancy Drew, Harriet the Spy and Pippi Longstocking. This morning I climbed the spiral staircase leading to my attic hideaway. I enter through a trap door that I have to lift with my back until it is open enough for me to lift up and secure with a hook. I have to keep my head very low or I´ll hit it on the ceiling of the porch, something I´ve done several times. Once I´m through though, my space is open, airy and quite comfortable. I begin to get ready for my day by placing my backpack on a chair and emptying the contents from my singing gig the night before, CD´s, music book and stand light. Everything revolves around my backpack. For the day I need my laptop a. because it is not 100% secure here and b. I never know if I will have an opportunity or a need to get online. I have to wrap it in a plastic bag before placing it inside and with it goes an umbrella, sunscreen, a sarong to use as a towel or a beach blanket, yoga clothes if I´m not wearing them, a dress or something easy to throw on, money (in a plastic bag), bottle of water, flashlight, journal and a pen ( in a plastic bag). After all of this is packed the entire backpack is housed in a heavy duty garbage bag with two holes in the back for the straps to come through. Before leaving I turn off the fans and lights and climb through the trap door, resting it on my back as I gradually lower it into place. No food or crumbs can be left on the counter or anywhere because of bugs, ants and who knows what else. With everything secure, I´m free to go! As I ventured out today the rain had dissipated, but was still a constant drizzle. I was wearing my bikini with my sarong tied around me, but I still wasn´t too thrilled about hanging out on the beach fishing in the rain. I walked down the beach and since I was a little early I decided to take shelter in a local spot to wait out the rain and catch up on my email. By the time the rain stopped and I reached the rocky beach where Nacho was going to meet me, he had already gone. I thought maybe he would just start fishing, but I have a feeling it was more about me than fishing so I wandered around the rocks and tide pools looking at all the tiny life thriving there, amazed at the intricate patterns the strong water and currents have etched into the stone. I walked south along the beach. It was low tide so there were not too many surfers out there, but there were people taking surf lessons, families with small children, a lot of walkers and runners because the sand is so flat, wide and hard and there is an abundance of shells and huge sand dollars. I ran into a woman who had been in my attunement class last Sunday who had felt ¨teary¨ like me. Her name is Elissa and she and her husband Dan are from San Francisco. They have three children and since they are self-employed, they decided to take the family on a month long Costa Rican adventure. I laid my sarong out on the sand and sat down for awhile. While Elissa played in the water with her daughters, her three year old son came up to me with his hand outstretched and said, ¨Will you take me in?¨. After racing and playing in the water and taking a couple of family photographs for them, I shook out my sarong, exchanged it for a sundress and set out for yoga. There is an outdoor shower at the Insitute and I take advantage of it everytime I come there because I am always, muddy, sandy, sweaty or all of the above. I have yet to take a hot shower since my arrival over two weeks ago. Today´s practice was lead by Monika, a young, gorgeous woman from Mexico City who has made Nosara her home. Several familiar faces were in the class, a young woman from California in her second year as a 4th grade teacher and a young yogi from Boston who had dropped out of yoga teacher training here, but was staying on in Nosara and continuing her practice. Afterwards I walked the long way home to go to the other ¨mini-super¨- it has a better wine selection- purchased some supplies and went home where Wantana and I settled in for our ¨happy hour¨ to drink a glasss of wine, eat a few snacks and trade stories. Looking back on the day, I can say that today, especially, I´m feeling the ¨space¨. Once I attend to the small details necessary to have a productive and spontaneous day there is not much left for me to do except let the day unfold as it will. If it pours rain, there is nothing I can do about it, but I´m ready for it. If the sun peeks out it is minutes to the beach from most everywhere, and I´m ready for it. And the people, the sights, the sounds and smells are all a part of someone elses big picture and all I can do is take it all in and be grateful for another day in paradise.

Feelin' Good

I sing a song by Nina Simone called, “Feelin’ Good”. It is a simple song, not musically complicated, but the combination of chords, melody and especially the lyrics set this song apart from other blues songs in my opinion. The more times I travel around the sun the more important the lyrics to the songs I sing have become to me. The words need to resonate deep inside me before I will send them through my vocal chords and out into listening ears. This morning when I woke up I saw that the sun was shining. I knew it would be because on my walk home last night the sky was crystal clear with huge bright stars. “It’s going to be sunny tomorrow!” I sang as I skipped home. So even though I knew that the sun would be shining, it was a welcome sight after two mornings of rain. I made my tea and quietly settled into a rocker on the porch. Usually at home when I wake up I am in such a rush to get ready for work, make the 45 minute drive and hopefully arrive on time, that I rarely have time to transition from sleeping and dreaming to waking up to a new day. Today as I sat I just gazed all around me-my sight line almost to the tops of the banana trees-and marveled at the lush green life. Exotic blue birds with funny antennas coming out of the tops of their heads and long tail feathers like a pheasants flew and perched all around me. Two tiny brown birds with massive singing voices flew in pairs and transformed sticks into an undisclosed nest, huge moths bigger than my hand flew over my head. I started thinking about the words to the Nina Simone song, “Feelin’ Good”. “Birds flyin’ high, you know how I feel, sun in the sky, you know how I feel, breeze driftin’ on by, you know how I feel. It’s a new dawn and a new day and a new life for me and I’m feelin’ good”. A new life for me! What a wonderful way to look at a new dawn, a new day. I often hear the expression, “tomorrow’s another day”, but how about tomorrow’s another life? An opportunity to take stock of my life and change anything that “does not serve me”, as my yogi friend Michelle would say. The song continues on reflecting on how nature knows what the singer is talking about when she/he says, “And I’m feeling good”. The birds, the trees, the breeze, the scent of the pine all know because they are doing exactly what they were created to do-nothing more, nothing less- and it was totally apparent to me this morning as I watched the birds, the palms swaying, the monkeys picking berries in the tree tops. How do I know what I was created to do? The last line of the song says, “Freedom is mine and I know how I feel”. When I’m feeling good inside-feeling free and totally aware of that feeling- I think that I am on the right path. If I’m not feeling good-or free inside then something needs to change and if I can not change it then I must accept it. I can’t change the fact that my husband had an affair, but I can change the way I feel about it. I can honor the lessons, honor all the goodness that exists in him and use that knowledge to forge a new and deeper relationship with him and myself. And for the most part, it feels pretty good. I am finding that this experience is serving me and my life. It’s easier said than done, I know, but if I could just wake up everyday like today and live my life like a blank canvas waiting for me to create whatever I choose, then like today, I have a pretty good chance of “Feelin’ Good”.

Body Wisdom

Since arriving in Nosara, Costa Rica, I’ve been going to the Nosara Yoga Institute for daily yoga practice. The institute sits on a pristine piece of jungle property that houses a large enclosed rancho for teacher training, an open air tree top pavilion over looking lush jungle and with a faint view of the sea over the tree tops for daily classes, apartments for visiting yogis and lush gardens and pathways everywhere. Lately my singing responsibilities have decreased due to the constant rain so my yoga practice is the only structure in my day to day life here. Four years ago in the middle of a difficult time in my life, yoga was the only thing I had in my life that gave me any solace. I practiced diligently for over a year until I noticed an ad for teacher training in Raleigh, North Carolina. It was January and I was living alone with our daughter Lucy in Carrboro, North Carolina looking at the winter before me with little enthusiasm. I decided to enroll in the training. At first I immersed myself and absorbed all of the teachings and energy like a sponge. I was the oldest and probably the most physically challenged student due to the fact that I had undergone hip replacement on my left hip six months before. At the same time I was devoting myself to yoga, my marriage continued to deteriorate, my husband unable to align his words with his actions and since it was my decision to stay in it and wait it out, I found myself living with more stress than I could have ever imagined. Even though yoga helped me to connect with an extreme amount of gratitude for all of the blessings in my life, I found that it sometimes made me feel more vulnerable. Halfway through the training we had a weekend off so I went home to spend the weekend on the Outer Banks. During a massage my therapist commented on my tight piriformis muscle and went to work on it. Two days later I found myself incapacitated with an extremely painful case of sciatica on my right side. If you’ve never had sciatica, give thanks- sciatic pain is so deep and so acute there is virtually nothing you can do to relieve it- it renders you in constant pain, uncomfortable and totally helpless. I was devastated. My yoga training and my beloved daily practice ended abruptly and completely. Did my body really need to try to trump the pain of my broken heart? Couldn’t I just have one pain at a time, thank you very much? It seemed so unfair, all I could do was sit, or lay down with my pain that remained debilitating for months and never really going away completely. I am thinking about this today because that old familiar pain has resurfaced, just a little bit, but enough to make me uncomfortable during my practice, enough for me to ask. “Should I be doing this?” and “What are you trying to tell me, pain?” I vacillate between believing that pain in the body is just that- pain as a result of working it too hard, over exertion, not listening and pain representing unconscious messages that are letting us know that we are off track, we have repressed emotions and feelings, unresolved issues. Hopefully, it will just work itself out without too much energy and attention. In the meantime I will listen and honor the wisdom of this body that has taken me this far.