The Signs Along The Way

Last night while I was sitting on the porch having “happy hour” I realized that I wasn’t feeling too happy. I noticed an uncomfortable feeling coming over me and as I listened to Wantana talk I realized that I was not even close to being present. I was thinking that I hadn’t even begun writing yet today, I was thinking that I hadn’t picked up the guitar now in two days, and I had a goal to sit in on my friends gig Thursday and play and sing a song, I was thinking that my “space” was starting to feel smaller when I was “home”. I was beginning to realize that perhaps this is not where I should be. I am so grateful that Wantana took me in after being flooded out of my initial place of residence, but I didn’t really have a choice about coming here, it all happened so fast. I woke up late this morning and came down out of my perch to have tea and wake up. When Wantana came up with fruit and sat down, my discomfort returned so I excused myself and within ten minutes I quickly dressed for yoga and was headed out the door. On my walk to the Institute I thought about my needs- my need for quiet, my need for privacy, my need to flow through the rhythm of my day in my own way without having to consider anyone else right now. This is hard for me. I’ve never had this much time for myself before and I struggle with the feelings that this is self-indulgent, that I need to be doing something productive, something tangible. I also feel a little uncomfortable with all this time, a little antsy. I tried to quiet my mind during yoga practice and finally got into a groove, letting go, letting my mind wander, breathing, looking at the jungle and the coming rain. I thought about coming home. Come August I will have been here a whole month, surely that is enough time. I thought of all the things I could do at home, visit my grandmother, ride my bike to Ocracoke. I stopped myself. I feel pretty strong about my commitment to being here, the commitment I made to myself-for myself. I thought maybe this is a “hump” in the middle of the road, a transitional period. I need to be patient, follow my instincts and keep moving forward. So, what I absolutely do know for certain is I need a new home, my own place, with my own kitchen within walking distance to everything. This afternoon after walking around town and visiting friends and talking to people, I have several good options. I am not looking forward to breaking that news. It’s interesting because had I been a better Girl Scout before I arrived here, I would’ve taken stock of my needs, real and anticipated and used them as a basis for communicating to people managing and renting property. I was careless and so here I am week three, not entirely settled. Why is it so hard to say, “I need”? Actually, it has been getting easier for me to say, “I need”. Dan and I have been putting a lot of effort into our relationship and being able to communicate our needs to each other without fear has been one of the most important lessons learned. For me it’s about taking the time to really think about what I need- to feel, to feel deeply- what my needs are. My life is usually sailing by at such a fast pace that for me for the most part I don’t have a clue what I need on a daily basis. But I am working on it and learning to honor myself, consider my needs important, not just for my sake but for the sake of all of my relationships. I’m learning to be flexible and to make adjustments when needed-learning to follow the signs along the way.