Action

The nonstop rain since last night feels like a veil of sleepy mist that I am enclosed in. I slept late into the morning hanging on to my dream state until I could no longer. My mind a swirl of energy since Dan’s departure keeps thinking about all the wisdom that has come my way since my arrival forty days ago, particularly, Luigis- “Wherever you are looking, that’s where you’ll go.” I think since finding out about Dan’s affair I have been looking for an escape from the reality of it all. My happiness has been out of reach for quite some time, the promise of time and space heals all existing in some future realm that I can not quite access. The last twenty four hours I have had three completely different perspectives on life and love from three unique women. One woman, just entering the sixth decade of her life has chosen to move on from a fifteen year marriage that both parties have been unhappy in for a long time. Separate bedrooms, distance and no love for years are now seeing change as fear is being replaced by action with her telling me, “The fear was paralyzing, the action is empowering” Another woman living here, in her thirties and a veteran of at least two serious relationships met a man who was traveling to Nosara last week. Last night the two of them were out at my singing engagement, glowing telling me they are getting married tomorrow on the beach and would I sing? They look so in love and are so empowered by their brave decision to just go for it. Talking to them and just looking at them gave me chills. I believe they can make it. I married Dan after knowing him for six months and believe that the initial passion, attraction and immediate “knowing” that we were soul mates is what gets us through the rough stuff. Finally a woman I have become friends with along with her husband told me that they never spend more than two weeks away from each other. If work of something takes them away from home longer than two weeks, they make arrangements to go together. “After two weeks it feels strange”. I have been looking outside of myself and quite frankly outside of and away from home. When I starting thinking about what I want, especially in my relationship with Dan, I started questioning my need for “space” Do I really need it? How much do I need? I think in part it is just prolonging the fact that I have to accept what happened in our marriage and move on. I’ve heard from reliable sources that sometimes it takes a few years to completely get over the devastation of an affair, so all these ideas about love-for myself and patience- for myself really mean something to me now and are not just new age concepts we talked about so flippantly in the late eighties. With Dan gone, I really feel the emptiness; I really feel how much I miss him. I love him. He is my best friend and we have so much fun together. I also know that this much space and distance could potentially be damaging. I’ve been exploring future scenarios here in Nosara, but the reality of that is, it does not serve my relationship with Dan- the two of us living in different countries, might be a problem. I think it is just another way for me to avoid truly recommitting to my marriage with Dan. I think about the Chaka Khan song, “I’m Every Woman” and the three women who I have encountered within the past day. How can I be the wise woman who sheds her need for a man late in life in exchange for her own radiance and be the hopeless romantic who believes in true love, romance and marriage and be the woman who has a found that balance of relationship and space all at the same time? I truly believe I am not limited to any one idea of what a woman can be. There are too many amazing women in my life that embody “Every Woman” and show me otherwise. One of the intentions for this trip was to create a plan of action to implement upon my return. Knowing first hand how paralyzing fear can be, hearing someone tell me how empowered she feels since taking action has fanned the spark in me. I am starting to see and feel the action I need to bring forth.