Infrastructure

Last night I dreamed that I was in a sand sculpture competition and my partner was a small child. I remember thinking about what it was that I was going to create out of sand, this big figure, something massive. I strategized beforehand how we were going to get the water to the sand to form the sculpture-the child would fill pots and pans at a nearby faucet and wet the sand as I molded it. Well, the child could not handle the heavy pots and by the time he/she got to the sculpture and me, there was very little water left. There was a body of water nearby, maybe an ocean, but it was dry and we could not get any water in to the pans. The last option was tapping into some other nearby water source and I can remember someone saying to me in my dream, ‘Don’t you know that that water is very expensive?” I scrambled around and when I returned to my sculpture someone else had formed all of these small cake-like shapes with my child partner and said, “We’re done, this is what we made.” I was furious and annoyed at all of the silly little sand shapes, my grandiose sand sculpture unrealized. Going over this dream with Dan at the pool this morning, we talked about what it meant. Last night we were having a conversation with Lorena and Edin, who live in San Jose. They were talking about the scarcity of water and how too much development and greed had compromised the water source. The walk back from our music engagement last night was also very dry. After so much rain and so many muddy walks home, I realized that my regular routes had dried out a bit and were much easier to tread. Then at home, Dan and I had a fight and I went to bed angry and sad. Thinking about all this today I pondered the thread that wove this dream together- infrastructure. Infrastructure is the basic physical and organizational structures needed for the operation of a society or enterprise, or the services and facilities necessary for an economy to function. Our argument was not so unique, as a matter of fact it was a chronic one and centered around tone of voice-Dan- and what is being said-me. Apparently, it doesn’t matter what I say to Dan, if it is said with a certain tone of voice, it immediately puts him on the defense. Unfortunately for me if I am passionate about an issue or feel like I need to raise my voice, Dan immediately turns off and get’s defensive. Not fun. For me, what is being said is paramount. I listen to words, and not only do I listen, but I remember what is said, and I often times take it personally. We learned this about each other at a “Healing From Affairs” weekend, a weekend seminar we took when we were looking at anything and everything to help us on our journey. Brave seekers that we are, when it comes down to it, it all comes back to infrastructure. Is it here? Do we have it? Is it enough? Will it get us through? After fighting with Dan over the same basic things we always get stuck on, I have to ask myself, “ Is the foundation really here, because this seems so lame!?” When in the midst of a fight it’s easy to go to that place where, “Nothing works out, We’re no good for each other.” Who really wants to deal with the alternative-looking at each other in the eye, owning up to our short comings, breathing and apologizing, sitting within the silence of a situation-being? It is not for the tender hearted, but I have never considerd myself tender of heart. After a day of trepidation and tender re-emergance, I can step back and take stock of this man who I’ve called my husband for over 26 years and honestly say, I’m proud of him, I’m hot for him and I’m so glad we can be here together to experience this crazy life. Not only that, but after 26 years there is a certain organizational structure to our relationship that can not be denied, even by me- we have not only existed here, but have thrived as individuals, and the foundation of our realtionship has been established and carefully maintained even in the most difficult of times. Infrastucture. I want to make sure everything is in place so I can realize the “sand sculpture of my dreams” and not lament that it is all small cakes and shapes out of my control.