Do Over!

The pace and direction of my days has certainly changed since Dan’s arrival Saturday- languid is the word that best describes each days flow. Yesterday Dan turned fifty. He was not particularly excited about it and I think he was a bit relieved to be out of the country away from the attention family and friends would have certainly showered upon him had he been home. To be truthful, I’m not particularly excited about Dan turning fifty either. It just means that in, let’s just say “several years”, I’ll be headed in that direction myself- a place, an age and a time I am not ready for. With everything that has happened to me and my life these past few years, with all of the changes, I’ve had this urge to shout, “Do Over!!”. I have this fantasy that I'm starting all over again- anew - and this fantasy includes many things like a new “unsullied” marriage with a possible baby or two. Why not? John Travolta’s fifty-plus wife just conceived! I could create a whole new family and life for myself if I wanted to. If I wanted to. The purpose of my present journey is to meditate on what it truly is that I want for myself and my life and I’m pretty sure starting a new family is not what I am being called upon to do. Besides, my existing family is pretty amazing. I am sure that regardless of my situation, these feelings, these yearnings are common for a woman of a certain age with grown children and a whole new life on the horizon. I remember when my dad turned fifty. We were living in Los Angeles at the time and I was sitting in our small apartment talking to him on the phone and I remember telling him, “Dad, just think you could live for fifty more years-another lifetime”. These feelings also remind me of how traditional I am- how old fashioned. As much as I can see myself as this trail blazing free-ramblin’ woman, I am drawn to the traditional roles and values of marriage and family and I considered that place a “safe haven” until one day it wasn’t. So as much as I am drawn to this idyllic, romantic fantasy of domestic bliss, I realize that nothing and especially no one is going to provide that for me. So what now? Dan jokingly tells me, “So now the golden years, sweetheart. Plant City Florida, complete with golf carts and all-you can-eat buffets of Friday night” I will not go quietly into that night. I’m thinking more along the lines of more tattoos, a motorcycle, rockin’ the skimpiest bikinis as long as possible, living in a third world country, learning guitar and more languages.