It's You vs. You

Whenever I find myself doing battle with “outside circumstances”, things that I tell myself are out of my control and I can’t help, I practice a little trick I learned somewhere I like to call, “Change Your Story”. My husband's parents came to visit over Easter, they have a home on the Outer Banks of North Carolina that they live in all summer with family and then they visit in the off season, spring and fall, by themselves. Dan and I were leaving the day after they arrived so we planned to go out for dinner and catch up. As we were driving in the car to go to dinner, mom asked me, “Laura, how’s your job?” Without a beat or a breath I immediately went into a story about how much I was working, how stressed out I was and how I didn’t have any time for myself. After unburdening myself of this list my mother-in –law may have made a sound of acknowledgement or short comment- I don’t remember. What I do remember is that I shut the conversation down completely. It bothered me for days when I thought about all the other true things I could’ve said that were wonderful about my job-how we’ve trained artists to work with hospice patients, how we are getting ready to move into an historic landmark that has been vacant for 6 years, how there is so much creativity in our small community-but I chose to complain. Had I told any of the other stories I’m sure it would have invited an enthusiastic response from my mother, more questions that would possibly lead to more stories, hers and mine. There would be room for opening not closing. Why do I do that? It’s easy to fall into the martyr role, to look at life’s circumstance s and say, “Why Me?” “Oh, poor Laura, she works so hard” Those kind of statements will get you attention, but not necessarily the attention you need. It’s actually easier than saying, “Wait a minute. There is another way to tell this story.” When I change the story a whole new world of possibilities opens up for me. I’m no longer fighting outside circumstances that really do not have anything to do with me, my being, my soul- who I am. I can then see I am fighting myself, and it’s a constant battle for balance, for the quieting of that voice inside of me that tells me- “your not, you should, you don’t”. My gloves are up, my right hook mean. It’s Me vs. Me and I’m going the distance.