When The Path Does Not Reveal Itself

One of my nicknames is Miss Results. It states the obvious-I’m the kind of person who is results oriented, tackling events, programs or projects with gusto, most of the time sure of what the outcomes will be even before I arrive there and if an idea for a project or something I start working on looks like it may not meet it’s goals, it doesn’t happen. I tried my best organizing my life like a project-making sure my children were well educated, home schooling them in elementary school when the schools didn’t meet their needs and private schools for Lucy, when she was having difficulties in high school. I researched the best camps, planned diverse adventures mapping everything out to make sure nothing was missed. My relationship with Dan didn’t necessarily receive the same attention, but to me the outcomes were clear; this is a solid marriage and nothing would change that. I was so stubborn in this belief that when things started changing with Dan, an affair was the last thing I would’ve guessed, I actually would’ve bet on it. When the realization hit me, I found myself in unfamiliar territory, in shock and scared to death. I tackled this dilemma like I do everything-devouring all the knowledge available in books, web-sites, counselors and therapists-after all, I’m Miss Results, I can fix this. I was battling blind and it took its toll on me physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. For the first time in my life I couldn’t solve this problem. I was lost. What do you do when the path does not reveal itself and you don’t know where to go? When I was looking for the path through the jungle on Sunday, I watched a runner ahead of me leap with agility in to the green. I watched, then followed and then eventually found the path on my own. Dealing with an affair is a unique experience. First of all, most people do want to hear about it much less talk about it and most therapists, although well meaning, have never experienced an affair. It wasn’t until I found someone, Anne Bercht, founder of Beyond Affairs Network, who had not only gone through the experience, but had come out on the other side with her marriage not only intact, but better, that I could see a tiny glimmer of light. I could relate to this. This was the path I wanted to take, so I followed her. Affairs are not so different from other crises of the self and according to statistics; a lot of us are experiencing them. Finding someone to talk to who can shed light on, empathize and really listen, understand and reassure you of the “normalcy” of what you are going through, regardless of what the situation is like seeing your location on the GPS screen after being lost for so long. It’s a relief. It is not a guarantee, however that the path will lead to your desired destination. One of the most valuable lessons I learned from my recent experience is that it really did not have anything to do with me. Anne says, “My husbands affair had nothing to do with me, if it did, I would’ve made sure it never happened!” We can’t control the actions of the people in our lives that we live and work with, but finding someone who has walked the path that you desire certainly helps us on our journey.